Karl Malone On Aliens

I've been watching this 7 times a day so I thought I'd share it.

The "Cool" Uncle

I stated earlier that I would be posting pictures of my niece and nephews to rival Leslie's pics of her kids. I'd likr to detract my statement, since child cuteness is no contest and no laughing matter... (well, you were supposed to laugh at that.) But anyways, here is a picture of my niece Kate (1.5 yrs old), daughter of Wendy & Paul Malan. She is absolutely adorable and I'm happy that recently she doesn't cry when she sees me. I've realized that little girls, for some reason, strike more of a chord with me. They seem sweeter and more gentle. Maybe it's the latent stirrings of fatherhood in me that wants to protect them. From what, you ask? Boyfriends. I, for example, will kill my daughters boyfriends. Seriously. Dead! But that's a later post, maybe years later, as I am not even married and have no children... that I know of! Way-Oh!!!

Anyway, I was thinking about kids today. Nieces, nephews, my friend's kids. What got me thinking was my friend Jimmy's son Brock, who is always fairly excited to see me. I like it... a lot. He's this skinny little monkey who's pants are always falling off. It's awesome. It made me think, however, about when kids aren't excited to see you. I have to admit I get a little, just a little bit sad. I started thinking about this. Kids don't care about you unless you're in their life every day. Not most kids, and not very much. I've decided that instead of getting sad or mad about it, I'm going to work within the constructs of child development... Here's how I'm gonna get kids to like me!

1) People are happy to see you if you're happy to see them - This is basic Dale Carnegie stuff, but I rediscover it on a consistent basis. Kids respond to mood, I think. Who's happy to see the grouchy uncle? No one. But what about the uncle that treats you like a celebrity? Everyone likes that guy! "Hey, this guy likes me. He's always excited to see me... can't say I blame him. He does have excellent taste in people."

2) Never greet a kid empty handed - This is my ticket to kid super-stardom. Kids care nothing about adults unless they can GIVE THEM SOMETHING! Candy, toys, money... anything. Even if they already have it, they want more! As I was brainstorming what I could bring I asked for some opinions. Quarters, was one response. Yeah... I could be the quarter guy, and they are easy to carry around. Simple. You can do cool magic tricks with them as you bestow them, but I have three reservations about this: 1. Inflation! What am i gonna do when I need to give them 48 cents in a couple years, to keep up with a growing economy? Forget it. 2. Kids want the thing they would buy with the money, not an errand. "Great. Now I have to walk to the store and buy what it was you could have just given me." It's like giving them all the ingredients for a cake, they don't want more chores, they want you to cut out the middle man for them. Deal direct. 3. Bacteria. Quarters are never washed. Enough said.

Then I thought, how about bigger sums of money and a little adventure? I want this to be exciting for them. My Dad used to play "Guess For The Money." (Not the most original game title, but then neither is Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? And that worked out ok.) Where we'd guess how much money was in his pocket and if you guessed it you got it. This could range from $20 up to thousands. My sister won $1,326 one time. But here's my spin on it - to up the excitement level. I hold out two closed hands near the child's face... one of the them holds a large sum of money... the child is asked to choose a hand... if he chooses the hand with the money, he gets it... if not... A SLAP IN THE FACE! Can you imagine the excitement?! On one hand (literally) maybe you get $20, on the other you get the $#!* knocked out of you! No? ...Maybe I'll play it with the boys when they get older.

Seriously though, I finally decided on a "grab bag" approach. I'll have a coat pocket or a hat or whatever and have small vending machine type toys or candy or a dollar, and they can fish out their prize. Still exciting, but maybe not as painful as "Slap or Dare" which is the name of the aforementioned hand choosing/face punching game.

But I think bringing gifts will make kids be excited to see me. I would like people more if they always gave me something...

3) Leave them wanting more - Know when to say when. I want kids crying and throwing a fit when I walk out the door! So I'll have to leave on a high note, like George does with jokes in Seinfeld. Nobody likes the uncle who's ALWAYS hanging out. "Bro, get your own family. You just got REAL boring." I'll have to let the Spirit be my guide on this one as to when to make the most dramatic exit.

Oddly enough, as i think about it, these same principles apply to girls. Grand ovations, candy, money, acting like you've got somewhere to go, it's all the same game. What do you guys think? Am I on to something?

Darkplace Episode 2- Hell Hath Fury

"I'm Garth Merenghi, horror writer. You know, everyone has a special talent. Mine is being able to write, produce, direct, act, paint. Other people are good plumbers, that's their gift."
- Garth Merenghi, Darkplace

This is one of my favorite youtube referrals. I can't remember who sent it to me... I think it was Mikey Warner. He SOOOO has his finger on the pulse. I could watch it a thousand times. It makes me laugh every time I see it. I don't know why I am so tickled by British humor... and misogyny. I hope you all enjoy it and tell me what you think.

"And I Don't Agree With That In The Workplace!"

"The people you work with are just people you were thrown together with. Y'know, you don't know them, it wasn't your choice. And yet you spend more time with them than you do your friends or your family... But probably all you've got in common is the fact that you walk round on the same bit of carpet for eight hours a day... My life is not over. Come back here in ten years. See how I'm doing then. 'Cause I could be married with children, you don't know. Life just goes on. "

- Tim, BBC's The Office

First of all, big ups to BBC's original version of The Office. It's one of the best things I've ever watched on a screen, television or otherwise. I would call it a masterpiece. I have no complaints about it; to me it's TV perfection. That being said, I can't rip into the NBC version too much because Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant are the Executive Producers... so obviously they endorse it to some extent.

Still, I can't get into it. I have tried and can't seem to enjoy it. The BBC version definitely spoiled my liking or enjoying the NBC version. And saying that is like saying The Beatles spoiled my liking Nickelback. I'm not sad at all. I don't feel like I'm missing much, or anything at all, since I have the original which makes its successor insignificant and unnecessary. Anyway... I just wanted to mention my feelings about both since I used that quote to introduce this post. Maybe some day I'll go into why the BBC version is a masterpiece and the NBC version is not. Won't that be exciting?

At any rate, both of these TV series are so popular, I believe, because so many of us can identify. (There is a receptionist Dawn and a Tim in my office and my boss' name is David.) What I want to talk about is my office job. I have been with my company for about a year and a half now. I work for The Salt Lake Tribune and The Deseret Morning News as an account executive. It was a new adjustment for me and I literally feared it at first. Luckily I've had good friends that have worked here with me to help keep a sense of humor and an objective perspective of the daily routine. These friends have made it bearable. Slowly they have all moved on and come Thursday the last of my friends will be leaving and pursuing... something other than here. This has made me reflect on the personalities in the office that have brought us so much laughter. I'd like to share a few with you. Names have been changed to preserve anonymity.

Exhibit A: Don
This is the guy I stare at for nearly 8 hrs a day. Don is a 50-something year old gay man born and raised in SLC, UT. He has been with his partner Les since he was 19. His family history, however, as well as Les's, is very LDS. He enjoys shopping on Ebay for jewelry and fur coats, makes fantastic flower arrangements, drives a Mercedes named "Klaus," and calls girls boobs "bazookas." I have spent my fair share of time around homosexuals, but still am not very comfortable with it as a pass-time. That notwithstanding, I have become good friends with Don. He has a great sense of humor, is very thoughtful, and well educated. He's given me great advice on my house and did the majority of my training here at this job without being asked. He calls every girl that works here "wench" and frequently makes wildly inappropriate and vulgar comments, but never forgets a birthday.

Exhibit B: "Googly-eyes" Jane
Jane is in the art department and builds the ads for one of my biggest clients. She reeks of cigarette smoke has a short disheveled Brad Pitt style hair-do, and is always wearing the same jeans and a baggy sweater. She's worked here for like 25 years. Her teeth corroborate her lifelong smoking habit and are in some disorder. She has a Sylvester the Cat style lisp which is quite endearing. The icing on the cake is her googly eyes. They start off being completely in sync, but as you talk to her one of them... ever so slowly... goes for a walk and takes a hard right turn. My problem is I don't know which eye to follow. And I don't want to give any sign that I notice that it has wandered away. I'm not saying this to make fun of Jane. I like her. She does a great job and we get along well. I'm just saying... does it affect her vision? It has to. Does a ghost image of me appear and stand beside me as I talk to her? How terrifying! Also, she designs artwork... What courage!

Exhibit C: Dale Glicks
Dale was in accounting for some years and recently joined our sales team as an assistant. He was good in accounting and was my go to guy when I needed an account activated or set up. I heard some rumors he was having marital troubles, but paid no attention since it was little of my business. Well, since he's moved into our department and sits one cubicle away... it's become everybody's business. He's the guy that is constantly breathing out long, loud sighs on a 10 minute basis. He is a chronic sigher. These sighs are a cry for you to ask him what's wrong, cause he REALLY wants to tell you. He takes frequent walks to "cool off" and "clear his head" while the people he assists do his work for him. Here's what i know: His wife cheated on him with her boss and she recently got a tattoo (they were active LDS folks while married). He had his gall bladder out recently, doesn't sleep well, suffers from frequent headaches, constantly catching a cold or the flu from his daughter... his words. I don't want to say hypochondriac because it's more than just medical conditions. This guy has a raincloud over him at all times. And to boot he is the slowest walker in the world (Which means his "cooling off" walks could last hours!) Poor Dale.

Exhibit D: Jermaine
This effing guy. Gosh, I hate to even talk about him. Everyone else mentioned thus far, despite how eccentric or strange they might be, I feel a certain affection for. I like them despite their weirdness. I will miss them when I'm gone and remember them fondly. But this guy... ugh. Jermaine is a returned missionary. Now, I know what you're thinking, but you can get that image out of your head and replace it with a 5'8" Samoan with the longest, mane-ish, salt & pepper, head of hair tied in a bun. Add to it: Baggy clothes, a slight limp, tattoed eye liner, the crookedest teeth ever conceived, a lisp, a low, raspy, gargly voice and the knowledge that he is a gay drag queen when not working at the newspaper. He has alcohol on his breath ALWAYS and utters disgusting sexual innuendo constantly. This is the type of gay dude that thinks every guy in the world is secretly gay and eyes me like I was a huge savory pork chop. I now know what it feels like to be a girl and have gross dudes looking at you. Except my reaction is not to cry, but to stab him in the face. I have tried to find something redeeming about him because I believe that somebody still loves him... maybe his Mom? Maybe? The moment I start to think he's just a struggling soul he comes over to deliver his clever one-liner after insinuating that he slept with some guy he met the night before: "It was a rough morning at the shelter," he says. Oh Jermaine... every morning is rough when you're a promiscuous gay alcoholic Samoan drag queen.

That last one was particularly negative, but I'm gonna let it stand. Like I said, besides him I really do like everyone else i work with. It's just so interesting the variety of people that spend all day together that would never associate if work hadn't brought them together. It's good I think. It makes us more understanding of one another and exposes us to real human beings that flesh out the stereotypes we live with. In a David Pulsipher vein I invite you (all 4 of my readers)to share your thoughts, stories about the people you work with. Who have you been thrown together with and how have you been surprised?

I Give You Alex Kirry Everybody...

This is my good friend and roommate Alex Kirry. He made fun of my blog today, but i forgive him. Leave it to him to keep me down when I start expressing myself. What a jerk.

Anyway... there's a decent story behind these photos that I think merits telling. So Alex is a reporter for KSL 102.7FM's "The Nightside Project." He does the funny, spoof, Daily Show-esque reports. And he was sent a link to a myspace page that is hilarious and disturbing all at once. Beautiful Mormon Search. Basically these people are looking for sexy returned missionaries to take their shirts off and pose for a calendar under the guise of helping to spread the "Mormon message." So Alex brought me along to the Salt Lake City tryouts (This was like a month ago, so I apologize for the untimeliness.) The people involved were obviously not active, if they were members at all, but swore they were all active members trying to help the church out, arguing that there are lot of people not being reached who this would appeal to. I argued back that those people are either dirty old cougars or gay dudes. (They ended up admitting that their best response ahs indeed been from "middle aged women and gay men.")

Anyway, Alex stepped in front of the camera and these are some of the results. You can search through his Nightside page and find the audio file of his report. It's pretty funny. Alex is a big deal and not a jerk at all. I love him even though he doesn't support my hobbies.

Coincidence?

This post is an addendum to Andy Funk's post of a similar nature. You should check it out cause it's hilarious. One of the men pictured above is my good friend Michael Warner, best known for the time he almost died on a mountainbike, the other is British comedian and actor Matthew Holness, best know for his comedy series Darkplace. Matthew also had a small but fantastic role in BBC's The Office. And Mikey had a small but fantastic role as my Southern California surfing partner during the summer of 2003. Neither of which I will ever forget.

I love Mikey. And I love Matthew Holness. So this is a difficult situation for me cause it's one less face I have to remember, but two names. That's hard! Has anybody else ever had this problem? Did Heavenly Father run out of faces at some point? Before I got fat people used to tell me I looked like Dana Carvey. In high school when my hair was longer people told me I looked like Anthony Keidis of Red Hot Chili Peppers. (Of course it was when I was wearing a RHCP t-shirt.)

But I'm fascinated with people I know that look like each other. My dream would be for them to meet each other! Here are a few more...

Exhibit A: Brooke Eaton a.k.a. The girl from Napolean Dynamite

Exhibit B: Doug Tovey a.k.a. Ryan from The O.C.


Exhibit C: Leslie Call vs. Scarlett Johansson


I believe I've made my point.... which is... people look like each other?

This Man...

is diabolical. Look at the squint in his eyes and the pursed lips! Don't let the Clark Kent get-up fool you... he is looking for his next victim. Not searching the horizon for a soul to soothe or save, but scanning for innocent bystanders with nefarious intentions.

But seriously... this is David Pulsipher. Once my hero, he is now an awful antagonist. I was a loyal reader of his blog. I supped frequently from the table of his prose. He made my heart swell with charity and my sides ache with laughter. He challenged my every assumption and made me thirst for wisdom. Until the day I dared to defy him!

Knowing that my blog is in its infancy, knowing that I struggle to find words to write, and knowing that his audience would be hanging on his every word... he struck. He derided me mercilessly in front of his mass of sheep. He said that I had a singular reader and that it was him. LOOK AT HIS EYES! They know no mercy. They smile only at pain.

I'm not going to even get in to what he did to poor Steph... let's just say that I hope she makes it through the night. She committed the transgression of blaspheming in the church of David and paid dearly for it!

I hope all who read this weep for me and dear sweet Stephanie and steer far away from the monstrous fury that is David Pulsipher and lowercase numbers.

Meet the gayest band in the world...

Since I'm an avid blog reader and leave comments on others blogs, I thought I'd start posting. Yes David and Ashley I'm jumping off on my own, I won't be trying to dominate David's comments page any longer. Yes, Mikey Warner, I too can post cool / obscure things... and I will. And yes, Leslie Call I will put up pictures of me and my nieces and nephews to rival your kids.

I'll start by putting up this picture.


My friend Jimmy Eaton (lower left) decided on th spur of the moment to start a band. The spurring catalyst was a "Eagle Mountain Battle of the Bands." We had to submit a band photo and so took this picture Wednesday night. I know how gay I looked. I can tell you now that we took about 60 photos and Jimmy picked this one. The winner gets to open for Sawyer Brown and your supposed to be a country and or crossover type band. Jimmy's music is not very country, but it'll work. I was recruited because I play the bass... remedially. Jimmy has been asking me if I wanted to start a band for 2 years now. Finally, I relented. This whole event should be hilarious. I'm just excited to have an excuse to be playing bass again. I really enjoy it... so very mush. All the time.

And by the way, if it wasn't ridiculous enough here's a couple things you may want to consider...

• We're covering "Life Is A Highway" by Tom Cochrane.
• Our bands name is Jimmy Juice.

I feel like this is and open and shut case.