Mood: Melancholy. :(I guess the title says it all. But you know I'm going to elaborate. I always do. Plus I can hear all the questions popping into your heads now, some relevant, some not:
"What does it all mean, Craig?"
"Well, how many do you have?"
"Would my boss know if I took a nap under my desk?"
"Why so many?"
"Can a female human being be any less attractive than Hillary Clinton?"
"Why would you blog about this?"
And finally...
"Hey Craig, who gives a #%@&?"
All questions will be answered in due time my precious pets. All in due time...
But let me first explain that my life is like an enormous swinging pendulum. As we all know a pendulum is an object attached to a pivot point and allowed to swing freely. When the pendulum is displaced from its place of rest, the restoring force will cause the pendulum to oscillate about the equilibrium position. (Wikipedia: Pendulum) For those of you who went to college, you've most assuredly seen one of these puppies in your science building, swinging into perpetuity as the world turns, i.e. as times passes.
Here is how my life is like an enormous swinging pendulum: I have an equilibrium position. But I will only swing by it as my life oscillates in predictable directions. I have noticed behavior patterns in my life that are on 6 month, 1 year, and even 3 year intervals. As the calendar enforces it's authority, I swing from one extreme of my behavior to another.
A few examples: 1) I have grown a mustache 2x a year, that lasts about 3 weeks, since at least 2002. I grow a beard directly preceding this. 2) My hair is short from mid October through February wen it starts to get shaggy. By mid-April (yes, it ALWAYS correlates with General Conference when I start to feel guilty about not being clean cut) my hair is short and tidy again. I then grow it out again until the next October. These are just a couple that relate to personal grooming, I could illustrate this point just as well with my romantic life, spirituality, career impulses, and physical fitness, among other things. Some things are on longer intervals (I have to knock down 3 pegs) and some are on shorter intervals (just one swing past the equilibrium point.) Very briefly do I find myself in a state of equilibrium; where I feel balanced, calm, even, and in control. I may not even notice these times because it is so fleeting and I am immediately on the rise to some kind of personal extreme. (Note: Before you start thinking I need some sort of anti-bipolar medication, check yo-self, lest you wreck yo-self. Ye without moods and patterns of behavior cast the first stone. I'm not talking about running for President one week and living in my sister's basement the next. I'm talking about subtle, yet predictable seasons of behavior.)
Now, this begs the question: Where and to what is my pivot point affixed? What is the constant from which my life draws its arc? How long and what defined the chord that limits my oscillating to a determined distance? These are good questions I've asked myself... and I will attempt a reasonable answer. I believe the pivot point, and the chord are defined by my personal experience, mixed with family genes, and God-given strengths and weaknesses. Part of what forged my pivot point or anchor is plain old Craig Toveyness. Heavenly Father dealt me a hand and this ain't 5 card draw. I got what I got and some things you can't change about yourself, However, this anchor is an alloy containing Mormonism, Faith, The Tovey Family upbringing and choices I've made along the way. I believe the product of these factors, some variable, some constant; some learned, some inherent; make up the point from which I swing and the degree to which I oscillate. The length of my chord and my pivot point are uniquely mine. There is no duplicate.
There is good news in case this all sounds too "predetermined destiny" for any of you. Like I mentioned above there are plenty of variable factors and personal choices involved in changing one's pivot point, chord length, and even weight of the "Bob", as they call it. (I didn't want to get that deep into the metaphor, but oh well.) You can change how much you swing. I should say "I" because I don't think the pendulum metaphor applies to everyone. I think there are some people that are fast, determined, balanced, and still. They don't swing at all. They're more like flagpoles! But that is not me, I've come to realize. And this is evidenced to me yet again by how many jobs and cars I currently have. (4 vehicles: '01 Volvo wagon, '94 Honda Accord, '70 Ford Pickup, '97 Scooter / 3 jobs: Advertising A.E., Carrabba's Waiter, Photographer) For those that know me, this is nothing shocking. My friends are often frustrated by my ever-changing life. Changing jobs, changing cars, changing apartments, changing girlfriends, changing hairdos, and sporadic travelling... all on a very predictable timetable.
I wouldn't be writing about this if it didn't frustrate me. A LOT. I always notice things about myself that frustrate my loved ones, but it is worthless them telling me, or discussing it until it frustrates ME. And it always eventually does. It is my life's struggle to get my personal pendulum to swing less widely and wildly; to try and hover more closely to my equilibrium point. A place I hope is much more peaceful and rewarding. I believe a few choices will upset the constant motion of my oscillation, one being marriage. This will bang into my swaying, predictable life and cause a major readjustment, hopefully resulting in a shorter arc. I think children will adjust it even further. These ideas scare me, because at 30 yrs old I have found a pattern that, although unfulfilling, is sustainable and comfortable.
This is what i'm thinking about these days... I need to sell a car or two.
