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Dude, Movies Are Way Better When You Only Pay $1.25

On a Tuesday afternoon. When you're just looking to kill a couple hours and keep a couple kids entertained. You'll ask yourself, "Where is this movie going?" And then you'll answer yourself, "Who gives a damn?" or "It's going another 47 minutes, that's where! Wooh!"

If critics had real jobs *lives!* like the rest of us, and saw most films in a mid-week matinee', they'd enjoy movies a lot more. I think we all would. But they take their jobs SO seriously. C'mon! 90% of the stuff out there is crap. It's a short diversion from real life. We all know that. But like critics, if movies are your life, you're going to be disappointed.

In order to help us all be more satisfied movie-goers I propose a very realistic, down to earth movie grading scale. You can be your own movie critic, help others enjoy their movie watching experiences, and spend your dough wisely. Next time someone asks you how a movie was, try dropping it into one of the following buckets:

1. IMPORTANT PIECE OF ART* - I'd say this is the movie you should see in the theater, dollar movie, redbox, or 25 years later. Either because it was made perfectly, or it's message is timeless, or it's the most moving thing put to film. These probably make up 1% of what's generated every year. We probably have never heard of most of them cause they're too complex and mentally challenging for major box office consumption. P.S. These can sometimes be too heavy to be merely entertaining, but sometimes not.

2. SEE THIS ON A SATURDAY NIGHT* - Worth paying $9 to see on the big screen with 600 other people, and you'll need a tall sodie and some popcorn. Make a night of this, this is some GOOD entertainment! A solid movie that is cutting edge in it's delivery and is a whole lot of fun to see. Sometimes they won't be relevant in 2 years other than as a footnote in special effects history. But sometimes they'll stick around. Like Star Wars or Back To The Future.

3. MATINEE' / DOLLAR MOVIE - You've got time to kill. That's about it. 8 hour layover in Cincinnati? Wife out of town for the weekend? You have an outside sales job and you want to make your boss think you're working?** Dollar movie. Movies you knew you weren't gonna pay full price to see. Dollar movies are usually the ones that did pretty good when they were in the normal theaters. This is a category that you'll be surprised with. I saw Race On Witch Mountain, Fast Or Furious II, and The Knowing this way (I don't know the exact titles, but let's be serious.... it doesn't matter.) and I actually enjoyed them. I believe it's because my expectations were set appropriately low and my investment was minimal.

4. REDBOX - If they don't have these in your area I'm sorry. If they are and you aren't using them, then I'm just sorry for you. This is the perfect way to see a movie you never ever thought you'd watch. You're leaving Wal-mart at 11:30pm and you know you're not going to fall asleep anytime soon?... Redbox. You just ate McDonald's alone on a Friday night at 9pm and you pretty much hate yourself?**... Redbox. And it doesn't matter what you watch. At all. That's the point. You're way past that. You are lonely. You need to feel better about yourself. The best way I can think of is to fall asleep on the couch watching the crappiest movie ever made. It'll remind you that someone else out there is a total failure too. Most the time a quick web search will yield a promo code that gets you the movie for free. But PLEASE return it on time! Or you could end up spending $13 on a movie you didn't even finish watching.

This is a great option to see a movie for next to nothing or nothing. Or it's a great option if you're a cheap @$ Mormon. Myself being the latter. Day Saint. These things are a big hit in Utah! But even so, more people should use them to watch movies they are iffy on. Or a great way to get a movie to rip onto your computer and put on your ipod. Which I've never ever done.**

Anyways... which isn't a word. I've discovered mid-afternoon dollar movies and it's changed my whole perspective on stuff. I hope this is useful. I apologize if you've read this far and feel like you haven't learned anything useful. Unfortunately, since you didn't pay a dime for it, I can't give you a refund.

* I think these are the ones that should be part of your home collection.
** I have personally done these things.